Friday, June 01, 2007

Tumor Confessional

Reading CrazyAuntPurl's most recent post reminded me of a similar issue I experienced. Not too long ago, I noticed a lump under my right ribs. I have had other upsetting surprises and my response is to not tell anyone and alternate between forgetting about it and worrying. I spent lots of time jabbing at it and was casually worried it was a bona fide tumor.

The thing I hate most about leaving my 20's is the change in metabolism and how everything wants to embrace my middle. There is a reason it is called a waist (waste). I used to have a tiny waist, especially compared to what is above and all that is behind. I like to say I have so much junk in the trunk, I need a garage sale. It was with this thought that I decided at a minimum that I needed desperately to start some kind of stomach exercises. Of course I am doing way too many things and my brain can't hold another, especially one so contrary to my geeky, introspective lifestyle.

I realized at mass one week that it contains many opportunities to do stomach exercises, basically every time you kneel. For those of you who aren't Catholic, that is a good three times during mass and a fourth if you get there early. (I am not counting the first time you do it going into the pew or the last getting out). I began multitasking with the stomach exercises just every Sunday. It seemed silly, but after a while I didn't even notice and it didn't interrupt contemplation at all (that would have made me feel guilty and we do not want that!).

It seemed dumb because my stomach, or stomachs as I call them, were just the same blubbery masses as before. I knew it would take more effort, physically activity and cutting back on favorite vice foods, but didn't have more mental energy to spend on it. A good month into my secret stomach muscle worship exercises, came the tumor; I am such a dolt I didn't even connect the two. Luckily after a week of thinking it was a tumor, making the kids give me their opinion, I noticed during church, pain was in the tumor spot while kneeling. This lump in my upper stomach was a muscle - gasp!


Tamara said...

Okay so you are too funny. I love it. I also followed your link and that was hilarious as well. I was sitting here at work trying to stifle my laughter.

Elinoire said...

That may be the best use of multitasking that I have ever heard of.